「ksk」

I think it’s about time to separate a bit from the weekly cries of despair I’ve made in here for the past months. I’m getting better, as well as I’m in move again, so it’s about time for me to buy new stuff and do something. And I did. I feel somewhat alive now.

It's huge ...

(mehr…)

And backing down again.

Since there’s just too little time to resume in words what went on the last week, I’ll just perpetuate this moment before leaving work. Just to remember that I went to a certain gig afterwards.

I hoped this to happen without any concerns, but that’s where I let my guard down once again. But I guess it’s up to me to endure this for the moment.

So… here I come, Devin Townsend.

After half an hour of stuttering and black-outs, my history teacher announced in thanks the time-out. The expert examiner who sat on the side and spent all the time taking some notes, whilst sighing every here and then when I talked (which proved enough that I talked utter garbage all the time), looked up to me.

“Did you prepare yourself for this exam?” she asked

“Uhh.. yes?” I answered carefully, but of course I couldn’t tell that I’ve had a lot of trouble at doing that. So I kept that for myself and just answered ‘yes’.

“I don’t really think it was like that” she replied quickly. I felt a soft hit on my head.
“It’s a shame for the time we take for doing this” – I felt something dying inside of me.

Sweet! It’s always nice to know that I’ve been wasting 30 minutes of their precious lives because I’m a hopeless doofus if it’s about history. Partly shocked and daunted, I took my leave as fast as possible.

If it wasn’t for that I could’ve dealt with the fact that I messed up the exam, but the way she put it felt like a sole accusation that I haven’t tried hard at all.

I think over and over again that it’s just better when people keep some things for themselves; and I’m not really the type of person who can deal with reproaches telling me how much I suck. As if I wasn’t aware of that, go die in a fire you old hagヽ(#`Д´)ﾉ

… On the other hand I’m pretty inconsolable right now. I hoped to be at least able to do well this time and end up failing instead, after work I’ll fail another time, and so on. So it’s not really great to hear from people how I waste their time, because it’s something I worry about pretty often. But I guess I’ve done that once, twice, thrice, or don’t know how many times already.

At least I’ve got the chance to mess up one more exam, but I don’t really feel confident anymore. God darn it…

The way I’ve failed right now just can’t be put into words; there’d be so many things to add, but each phrase would end up being too much, so I stay silent.

And whilst I don’t know what to say, instead, I start to cry.

Too bad these silent whimpers won’t leave this place as it won’t solve the troubles I’m having with myself, current events, – him. Time passes as slowly as it did before, the timing I’m stuck at is the worst ever since I just can’t be able to leave this house in the midst of night.

… of course I could, but I’m not having these strong suicidal tendencies yet to do so.

On the other hand I could simply go to sleep, but this would result in another wasted amount of time I could’ve invested in studying – something I could’ve done all the day since I stayed at home due to sickness – mental and physical sickness. But what happened? I got caught up in thoughts and anger this much that I ended having another block. I get ahead of myself over and over again if it’s about failing.

It’s become a vicious circle. So the only thing that’s left is: Stay up and struggle for getting all these words from the history book inside my head. Disburden my heart in the meanwhile since I can’t do any better for the moment.

It was too late when some classmate pointed out that I might lose confidence in myself if I carry on with the way I’m being tortured, because someone seems to get more and more distant, so that at the end he even manages to fuck things up this much that I can’t hold my burden any longer.

Then I probably said too much. Now I can wait three more days and slap myself until then, but what am I doing this for? It’s getting more and more obvious that I’ll end up being alone again because I’m a pathetic, self-depreciating jealous minx – and who does ever want someone like that? Nobody, really.

While one month ago the only fear I had about this is that I might lose him again very soon. That fear’s converted to jealousy and anger, and now I’m even on the verge of losing him for real.

“You reap what you sow” fits best right now.. and I’ll reap a lot of this. At least I’ve got a new reason for hating myself once all this is over in an unwanted way.