「ksk」

And backing down again.

Since there’s just too little time to resume in words what went on the last week, I’ll just perpetuate this moment before leaving work. Just to remember that I went to a certain gig afterwards.

I hoped this to happen without any concerns, but that’s where I let my guard down once again. But I guess it’s up to me to endure this for the moment.

So… here I come, Devin Townsend.

The way I’ve failed right now just can’t be put into words; there’d be so many things to add, but each phrase would end up being too much, so I stay silent.

And whilst I don’t know what to say, instead, I start to cry.

Too bad these silent whimpers won’t leave this place as it won’t solve the troubles I’m having with myself, current events, – him. Time passes as slowly as it did before, the timing I’m stuck at is the worst ever since I just can’t be able to leave this house in the midst of night.

… of course I could, but I’m not having these strong suicidal tendencies yet to do so.

On the other hand I could simply go to sleep, but this would result in another wasted amount of time I could’ve invested in studying – something I could’ve done all the day since I stayed at home due to sickness – mental and physical sickness. But what happened? I got caught up in thoughts and anger this much that I ended having another block. I get ahead of myself over and over again if it’s about failing.

It’s become a vicious circle. So the only thing that’s left is: Stay up and struggle for getting all these words from the history book inside my head. Disburden my heart in the meanwhile since I can’t do any better for the moment.

It was too late when some classmate pointed out that I might lose confidence in myself if I carry on with the way I’m being tortured, because someone seems to get more and more distant, so that at the end he even manages to fuck things up this much that I can’t hold my burden any longer.

Then I probably said too much. Now I can wait three more days and slap myself until then, but what am I doing this for? It’s getting more and more obvious that I’ll end up being alone again because I’m a pathetic, self-depreciating jealous minx – and who does ever want someone like that? Nobody, really.

While one month ago the only fear I had about this is that I might lose him again very soon. That fear’s converted to jealousy and anger, and now I’m even on the verge of losing him for real.

“You reap what you sow” fits best right now.. and I’ll reap a lot of this. At least I’ve got a new reason for hating myself once all this is over in an unwanted way.

There I stand quiet again. This situation suddenly feels familiar to me, as if I already went through lots of trouble like that for once.

Now I know. I’m at a block again. Hearing things like “You’ve been slacking off lately” at work isn’t enough to make me aware of the fact that I’m supposed to sit in a classroom and take an exam next week – and a lot more.

Fun thing is, I haven’t done anything about it. I’m still not doing anything, with my thoughts somewhere else, repressing the certainity that everything around me isn’t fine.

And I guess it’ll stay like this. How am I supposed to get the affection I want from someone if there’s never the time to talk properly? What a laugh.

Now back to reality, where I’ve already wasted too much time on insignificant things.

Oh yeah.. since there’s apparently some ’special guest’ who keeps strolling around here for whatever reason, before even processing the above in your brain: Get the fuck out of here ♪

Es soll mir bitte jemand wieder des Vertrauens belehren, scheinbar hab ich vor lauter Verzweiflung selbst die Fähigkeit dazu verloren. Es kann nicht sein dass ich andauernd offensiv werden muss, und ganz ehrlich: die Scheiße reicht mir langsam bis zum Hals. Ich bin völlig ratlos und verwirrt. 

Scheinbar wollen manche Leute – besser eine Person – einfach nicht zeigen dass sie vertrauenswürdig sein könnten, und geben stattdessen ihr bestes um immer wieder genau das Gegenteil zu beweisen. 

Ich bin natürlich alles andere als glücklich im Moment, und wenn sich die Situation nicht bald bessert muss ich wieder eine äusserst bedrückende Seite von mir zeigen.  Hallo EMOtionales Tief !

Ein äusserst aufrichtig erfasster Lückenfüller nach der KISS-Methode (keep it simple, stupid). Momentan kann ich’s nicht anders beschreiben wie ich mich fühle, demnach sollte das so in Ordnung sein.