There were a boy and a girl. They seemed to know each other, but didn’t exchange a single word as he walked past her.

The place where they were standing wasn’t exactly defined – was there actually a scenery at all?

The poor girl felt anxious. She started looking after the boy, but despite doing that he wouldn’t either react nor turn around to look back. Except at this day. She took a few steps in his direction until he turned around and looked back at her. His expression had exhaustion written all over his face – he walked back to the girl.

“What is it that you want to tell me all this time?” he asked.

“After all this time, I couldn’t stand it any longer without you.” replied the girl. She didn’t show any tears, but her voice was full of sorrow as she talked.

While he tried to answer her reply with a simple embrace, she didn’t let him get close. “Yeah.. You’re right.”

“You’re lying. Why haven’t you returned sooner to tell me this. It’s too late. I gave you enough time to come back… it’s too late now.”

Although I don’t know why I had this dream last night, I know what it’s supposed to be related to. And I know it very well. It was incredibly short, yet felt so incredibly real that it creeped me. The way half of my sleep was stolen due to this dream was awful.

After thinking about this during school, I felt disgusted of myself, having difficulties in figuring out if this really has any further meaning to me. The disgust came from the fact that I actually had this sort of dream where I cried for someone who was already gone… long ago.

Now it’s almost one year since the loss of a person dear to me. The hard times I’ve been going through as aftermath for that event now has paid off. I’m getting away from all that. Slowly and painlessly the memories are becoming all blurred that they’ve lost the value they had until some months ago, the one that made me want to seal them somewhere away as a text – but this now is never going to happen.

I thought I was the one who lost amongst us.. but as soon as I remembered all the offensive things I told him in the past as a revenge.. I recognized that I actually tried enough.
I wanted him to receive a proper retribution from what it’s called ‘fate’ – which indeed happened. What I first considered as the worst thing happening now looks like a victory for me.

I’ve won in many aspects. Even if we’ll probably be on the same graduation ceremony next summer, I’ve still won. This whole thing is finally getting to the end, without me wishing back anything from there.

This dream has likely showed me doing something that will never happen in the real world – drawing the final stroke. I don’t have any regrets left.

As for myself, I hardly had much free time during the last days and weeks because I had to clean up all the mess I caused over the weeks I spent alone at home. Not to say that I didn’t enjoy this time, although I didn’t find the opportunity to clean up my room .

Before leaving for Italy I made a final spurt with cleaning the entire house on Tuesday evening, including some time I could dedicate on the internet – all this caused me to stay up until 3.45 AM, but I won’t deny the fact that I had fun doing the housework.

In spite that I slept for less than two hours but got later to work than actually planned, all this while carrying a way too heavy travelling bag on my shoulder and spending a rather stressful day at work, everything went well. I’ve got to thank a workmate for saving my day by starting to talk about Higurashi which led us to discuss about the show and some other splatter Anime.

More than two years have passed for sure since I watched Higurashi.. so I guess a rewatch wouldn’t hurt and it might help me to start the second season I strongly refused to start by today.. and still do.

After leaving work around 3 PM on Wednesday I ended using up all the time until my train left from Zürich.

I had to change the train in Milano at 11PM.. I had a bit more than two hours to stroll around the station since my train arrived there at 8.50PM, but what’s there to do? Most of the stores were closed, and the only thing I could to there is to fetch something for dinner. So I walked around, carrying a heavy bag (for which my back still hurts now). The last small bistro that had open at the station had a waaaay too crappy ordering system: Ordering at the cashier, getting a bill, lining at the bar and show the bill at the service – only that I had to order from the bartender if I sat at the table. What the hell?

That made me leave the station and look for something as close as possible, but there’s pretty much nothing outside the railway station except two McDonald’s and some bar/pizzeria. Good thing one amongst them also sold sandwiches, so my dinner was a mere sandwich. Except that most of the women I saw walking around there had the body of a supermodel, I kind of enjoyed the short stay at Milano.

Thumbnail errors are everywhere, even in your railway station !

As the train arrived around 10.30PM the platform got crowded as hell that I had a hard time getting past the crowd, because they couldn’t do anything better than stand around and cause a bigger fuss that it was required. But I managed to find my compartment, so…

After the train left with a delay of approximately 30 minutes, I spent some time arranging my berth and then fell asleep.

Amazing sunrise around 6 AM...

When I finally got up at 9AM (after being up once at 6), two out of five passengers I shared the same compartment with had already left. The beds were already changed to seats, so I was the last one getting awake.

The train finally arrived at Taranto with a delay of 20 minutes, which I considered as the end of being tortured by my luggage. A co-worker from the same place was so nice picking me up and giving a ride home.

HELLO HOMETOWN, I’M BACK. HELLO! HELLO! (yay)

I mainly spent  the rest of the day with watching Anime and doing nothing. Exercises at evening. Nothing again. Around 1AM I finally got some real sleep in a real bed while giving a listen to the C77 Touhou music collection. C78’s going to start tomorrow as well, isn’t it?

What I got to know thanks to my rubber chicken sorcerer friend is that Albatrosicks’ coming back this Comiket with their 5^th album. I can’t describe my joy right now , it’s the same one I had while listening to CYTOKINE’s latest album ‘492357816’. His/her/their/its music was amazing from the moment I first listened to it, and still is. Seeing a C78 release besides Albatrosicks might lead me to a temporary meltdown – and I’m looking forward to it!

There’s an advantage of having no internet until now: I can do whatever I want without being distracted. Disadvantages: I can’t access neither my blog, nor everything else on the internet (obviously). So the only thing to do is to update offline by writing paragraphs by paragraphs that probably aren’t very interesting.

On the other hand.. I’m still having fun!

I guess I’ll go to the beach starting from Monday, including a party tomorrow evening. Until then, I’ll spend the coming days rather peacefully by doing various stuff. The more I become used to here, the more ideas I get. This year’s summer break has become more peculiar than last year’s anyway, so I’m just gonna make it greater than it already was until now.

A review about the last months might follow another time.

This entry was written on Friday, August 13th (!!!1) and hasn’t been updated since then. So yes, it’s old. And I don’t see any problems with that. I’ll try to update on time again.

It's huge ...

… WAIT. Before I carry on with the above I’ll allow myself to resume the past two weeks.

After failing the first final exam the next thing to brighten my day was eating lunch with a good friend, then going to work and meet up with uhh.. my ‘boyfriend’ afterwards. I knew what was going to happen which in fact was the case; he broke up because I was at fault and wrong in life. It’s easy, it’s obvious; humans are funny, irreasonable creatures! Especially narrow-minded ones like him.

I should’ve known it from the very start, it wasn’t a one-time issue what we had but something I walked into completely blindfolded, as I started to distress myself for someone who didn’t really bother with looking after me. The best way to dodge further justifications is breaking up and skitter away. That was a great move, that’s why I despise him right now. A lot.

But it’s enough about this. Honestly, I want to swamp out this displeasing period of time as quick as possible. None of all this ever happened unless I get to hear a honest apologize.. but since that won’t happen I’ll just stick with this attitude.

Petty vermins aren’t capable of thinking that far after all. I still sound somewhat embittered? That’s possibly right.

After that break-up I’ve received a lot of support from various people, some took their time to look after me and keep my company, for which I’m really, really thankful. Although I had to withstand countless breakdowns there’s been at least one person to comfort me; either with words, gestures or simple deeds.

Two days later I had my second and last final exam for this year. I couldn’t bring myself over doing any preparations until I sat right in front of the examinal sheets. But I managed to solve it without problems, except that the time was a bit too short for me. But with that I got free from one more burden, and the last thing I longed for afterwards was the weekend. And beer.

The entire last week I kept running around because of stress at work, deadlines, failing internet connections and desperate situations in general. Some of that ended as I, despite the effort and sleepless nights, screwed up this semester exam for work.

The following weekend I left to Germany to meet some friends. It was the first time I got completely wasted and did what I felt like to do, without giving a damn about something or somebody. It was like I scored off somebody and I felt incredibly good while doing so. We attended the Medieval plays of Maximilian in Horb on Saturday evening and we saw Cultus Ferox live after midnight. It was great. The amount of Met I drank there was probably too much, but it still was great. It was great, great, great.

And I knew there were two more days left to wait for something even better to come.

On Monday evening I had a little appointment, so the first evening passed very quickly. It was the same day where my internet started to work again. On Tuesday I’ve pulled an early shift at work just to leave earlier in the afternoon, since I had to head to Basel that evening – but that’s another story that just won’t fit in here.

Wednesday was short as well, I took the morning off because of Tuesday evening and the only thing I had to attend in the afternoon was some boring course. School started again yesterday, Russian class was the most (NOT) entertaining class since I had to see and reek my dear former ‘boyfriend’.

… nevermind that, I’m glad that something called ignorance exists.
Apart from that, the day itself was pretty good.. But in exchange today wasn’t. I’ve screwed up mathematics and the only urge I feel right now is to punch something, because having a mark of 1,5 written on my school report is just sad. I hope the calculation exam turns out better, I’ve really tried my best ｡･ﾟﾟ(ﾉД`)

And now I’m here. I’ve got my salary, a package, and some more stuff. Some of the worst exams are finally over and all I can do is to kick back and relax for a bit. Let’s see what I’m going to do tomorrow…

Loot update – June ‘10

Of course I’ve also purchased a lot of stuff before, but it’d take ages if I had to update since past September. What I could do instead is to update more regularily starting from now.

Manga

• Ristorante Paradiso (one-shot) by Natsume Ono
• Bokurano #1 by Mohiro Kitoh
• not simple (one-shot) by Natsume Ono
• Maria†Holic #1 by Minari Endou

General stuff

• Labtec pulse-386 speaker set
  I honestly didn’t plan to buy new speakers. At least not for the moment. Everything happened when I entered an electronics store to look for an iPod, and then I saw the set standing there. Pricy. Shiny.
  ..SHINY!! So I purchased one with the leftover 25 bucks I carried around.

And that’s the box. I still need to arrange the place to make it more apt for the set, the cord’s a bit too short and I don’t have enough space on my desk. Is it just me or does it really bear some resemblance to the lovely companion cube?
The set is, however, not the best pick but it’s still better than the two trashcans i used to have before.. way better.

Don't pay attention to that broken.. uhh... device. It's all about the earphones.

• Sennheiser MX270 In-ear headphones
  The nightmare started about two weeks ago, when the earphone plug of my mp3-player started to go nuts in a way that made it quite worthless. The connector broke inside so that the sound came through the speaker instead of the head-/earphones.
  What to do in a situation like that? Open the device, screw things up some more as they were beforehand, just to make it useful for another while since I can’t afford to spend 300 bucks at one time for an iPod. The first thing I did was to cut the wires connected to the tiny speaker. That’s where I thought that it could work out like that, but it seems that I was wrong about that. Today’s been the very last day alive for the cheap-ass player. As I tried to press various spots to make the sound work again, I noticed that it wouldn’t work anymore.

This is what expected me when I reopened it at home:

lol whut?

The plug connector ragged and fell out. So.. it’s definitely useless now. Rest in peace, my dear mp3 player.
I’ve actually hated you most of the time we spent together. You didn’t even last a year.. why do you leave me when I’m on the verge of being broke again? WHY?!      ｡･ ﾟ･｡* ｡ +ﾟ｡･.｡* ﾟ + ｡･ﾟ･(ﾉД`)

Once I found a replacement player I’m going to give my blessings to the old one… by playing baseball with it.

Figures, etc.

... miiiiiiiiiii~

• The Melancholy of Haruhi-chan: Mikuru Asahina plush by Chara-ani
  A little present I received from a friend right after the first exam. It’s so lovely. It’s sharing my bed with Cthulhu, Cirno and me (´ ω`)

It's taking over my desk!!1

• Birdy the Mighty DECODE: Birdy Gekisou ver. Cold Cast figure by ALPHAMAX
  … FINALLY!! I’ve been waiting so badly for this since the first day I discovered and preordered it. The package actually arrived last Saturday, but I could only get it today after school. And heck, it is worth all the money, as I really don’t care how much I’ve spent on this including the shipping and customs fees. It was much, but not too much for me. HA!
  Time to finally open it later …

• A *CENSORED* nobody’s going to see me with
  There’s nothing more to add really. No, it’s not a maid costume.. … Not yet.

In Memoria of Awesome

(・ω´・)

More about the gig might follow the next days if I managed to survive the supplementary math exam (which won’t happen).

I guess I’ll end this day with unpacking Birdy, studying and then sleep. It’s hopefully my last time of struggling for a while since next week’s exams aren’t as difficult as the last ones.

However, I’ve caught myself writing this again while kiseki is playing and set on repeat mode – but it’s Birdy after all <3
The new speakers are doing a good job, and 隣人’s losT Paradise sounds even more freaking awesome than it was before – just as a sidenote (and because I’m a total sucker for both of the aforementioned songs). ♫

I’m sure there’s something I forgot again. But it’s surprising I managed to write this much since it’s been a while I’ve been able to do so and in this way. It was… refreshing.

Since there’s just too little time to resume in words what went on the last week, I’ll just perpetuate this moment before leaving work. Just to remember that I went to a certain gig afterwards.

I hoped this to happen without any concerns, but that’s where I let my guard down once again. But I guess it’s up to me to endure this for the moment.

So… here I come, Devin Townsend.

“Did you prepare yourself for this exam?” she asked

“Uhh.. yes?” I answered carefully, but of course I couldn’t tell that I’ve had a lot of trouble at doing that. So I kept that for myself and just answered ‘yes’.

“I don’t really think it was like that” she replied quickly. I felt a soft hit on my head.
“It’s a shame for the time we take for doing this” – I felt something dying inside of me.

Sweet! It’s always nice to know that I’ve been wasting 30 minutes of their precious lives because I’m a hopeless doofus if it’s about history. Partly shocked and daunted, I took my leave as fast as possible.

If it wasn’t for that I could’ve dealt with the fact that I messed up the exam, but the way she put it felt like a sole accusation that I haven’t tried hard at all.

I think over and over again that it’s just better when people keep some things for themselves; and I’m not really the type of person who can deal with reproaches telling me how much I suck. As if I wasn’t aware of that, go die in a fire you old hagヽ(#`Д´)ﾉ

… On the other hand I’m pretty inconsolable right now. I hoped to be at least able to do well this time and end up failing instead, after work I’ll fail another time, and so on. So it’s not really great to hear from people how I waste their time, because it’s something I worry about pretty often. But I guess I’ve done that once, twice, thrice, or don’t know how many times already.

At least I’ve got the chance to mess up one more exam, but I don’t really feel confident anymore. God darn it…

And whilst I don’t know what to say, instead, I start to cry.

Too bad these silent whimpers won’t leave this place as it won’t solve the troubles I’m having with myself, current events, – him. Time passes as slowly as it did before, the timing I’m stuck at is the worst ever since I just can’t be able to leave this house in the midst of night.

… of course I could, but I’m not having these strong suicidal tendencies yet to do so.

On the other hand I could simply go to sleep, but this would result in another wasted amount of time I could’ve invested in studying – something I could’ve done all the day since I stayed at home due to sickness – mental and physical sickness. But what happened? I got caught up in thoughts and anger this much that I ended having another block. I get ahead of myself over and over again if it’s about failing.

It’s become a vicious circle. So the only thing that’s left is: Stay up and struggle for getting all these words from the history book inside my head. Disburden my heart in the meanwhile since I can’t do any better for the moment.

It was too late when some classmate pointed out that I might lose confidence in myself if I carry on with the way I’m being tortured, because someone seems to get more and more distant, so that at the end he even manages to fuck things up this much that I can’t hold my burden any longer.

Then I probably said too much. Now I can wait three more days and slap myself until then, but what am I doing this for? It’s getting more and more obvious that I’ll end up being alone again because I’m a pathetic, self-depreciating jealous minx – and who does ever want someone like that? Nobody, really.

While one month ago the only fear I had about this is that I might lose him again very soon. That fear’s converted to jealousy and anger, and now I’m even on the verge of losing him for real.

“You reap what you sow” fits best right now.. and I’ll reap a lot of this. At least I’ve got a new reason for hating myself once all this is over in an unwanted way.

Now I know. I’m at a block again. Hearing things like “You’ve been slacking off lately” at work isn’t enough to make me aware of the fact that I’m supposed to sit in a classroom and take an exam next week – and a lot more.

Fun thing is, I haven’t done anything about it. I’m still not doing anything, with my thoughts somewhere else, repressing the certainity that everything around me isn’t fine.

And I guess it’ll stay like this. How am I supposed to get the affection I want from someone if there’s never the time to talk properly? What a laugh.

Now back to reality, where I’ve already wasted too much time on insignificant things.

Oh yeah.. since there’s apparently some ’special guest’ who keeps strolling around here for whatever reason, before even processing the above in your brain: Get the fuck out of here ♪

Scheinbar wollen manche Leute – besser eine Person – einfach nicht zeigen dass sie vertrauenswürdig sein könnten, und geben stattdessen ihr bestes um immer wieder genau das Gegenteil zu beweisen. 

Ich bin natürlich alles andere als glücklich im Moment, und wenn sich die Situation nicht bald bessert muss ich wieder eine äusserst bedrückende Seite von mir zeigen.  Hallo EMOtionales Tief !

Ein äusserst aufrichtig erfasster Lückenfüller nach der KISS-Methode (keep it simple, stupid). Momentan kann ich’s nicht anders beschreiben wie ich mich fühle, demnach sollte das so in Ordnung sein.

As I went in there, there was a refrigerator standing right next to me; stuffed with cold drinks. Amongst the stuff there were (as usual) some exclusive products like Ginger Beer, various juices, and… this

The first thing I thought of when I saw this was fried ice cream, but.. soda?

First I tried to ignore it and went on to the tea corner, where I picked up a package of cinnamon tea. Cinnamon. This just has to be good.

After picking up a pack of biscuits I went back to the refrigerator and took a can of that soda. I was low at money, I’ve already tried enough strange/horrible tasting drinks in the meantime, so that one buck wouldn’t make any difference. “Let me give it a try anyway..” I thought.

Then I left the shop with an empty wallet and three different things I’ve never tried before, so there was a 50/50 chance that I either like it or not. To think that I only was supposed to get the tea and leave right away.

Now I’m drinking cinnamon tea all the time and stuff myself with delicious biscuits. The ice cream soda’s already gone (ノД`)・゜・。

I’m so damn addicted to this…

What I hate more is when I’m unable to control my feelings and slack off because of that. That’s where I am again right now. I’m struggling.

The process of self-depreciation may seem human from time to time, and there was a phase where I managed to do the best of it, simply because back then I had reasons to appreciate myself some more – but now they’re gone and all that’s left is a somewhat vulnerable personality, someone who tries to endure every tiny thing that actually bugs her to death. I miss that ’strength’. I want it back. Just.. how?

Of course I could start to work on my flaws again! Sure. Now someone please tells me how to do that while more and more worries pile up.

Before I stick with talking pointless stuff alongside of the actual topic, I’ll make my rantings somewhat reasonable: It’s Jealousy.

Something I can’t even allow myself to feel because I haven’t been any better in the past, yet I succumb to it. I really don’t want to be jealous in any way, but on the other hand.. I wish I had something to comfort myself.

Now.. What does it require now to solve this matter? I wonder. Maybe I know the answer already but just don’t dare to reach for it: I can’t express my feelings. Instead I’m mistrusting, I get mad, draw back and there’s no help to it. Instead of going offensive against this I get intimidated by my own inability.

Then I start to sulk. Again.

If this matter was easier to deal with, I could let it get away with the excuse “I’m just tsundere for you”. Unfortunately, it doesn’t solve my actual jealousy and dishonesty. First and foremost it doesn’t help me to get the answers I want to hear all the time.

The worst thing is that it changes all the time. Once I’m at ease, something comes across that makes me feel anxious again. Then I get hesitant and lose the audacity to bring up, maybe solve said problem.

It’s still possible that I’m overthinking all this too much.. If there wasn’t that feeling that things have changed.
Tight-lipped conversations or even complete silence. It gets completely different when it’s just the two of us, still I can’t figure out how he really feels.

Simply because gestures only aren’t enough, as well as in some cases words only don’t help.

This is one of the reasons why I didn’t enjoy my stay in Nice, and it might be the reason why the trip to Dublin next semester will torture me. A lot.

Conclusion: GOD DAMN IT!